Get This Man a Doctor

Sitting on my balcony this Sunday, this film crew randomly walks up to our house and starts filming. Apparently Japanese television has come up all the nutty things it can and has turned to documentary pieces on small Brooklyn neighborhoods.

The best part was the quick interview the producer gave with our neighbors, who were sitting outside enjoying the day like the rest of us:

Her: (thickly accented) Hello! You have a very pretty garden!

Him: (nothing)

Her: Are you warm?

Him: (nothing)

Her: It’s a very nice day are you hot?

Him: I’m good

Her: Is your car blocking the sun?

Him: Not really

Her: Okay thank you have a nice day!

This Sunday was the annual Court Street fair. The street fair season signals the beginning of summer, which means everyone is a little bit too excited about a bunch of funnel cake stands showing up on their street corner.

I got completely burned by PJ Hanley’s this weekend. On Friday they put their gigantic smoker in their patio, which in turn stinks up all of 4th place. One would think this signals PJ’s loyal patrons to come eat burnt meat, but we were told that the smoker was preparing for Saturday. So imagine how foolish we felt when we again went to PJ’s on Saturday night, only to find out that the meat was actually for the street fair.

The brisket I got was terrible—the slicers they hired gave me an all-fat piece, so I could only eat half of it. Ah well.

I’ve been to a few New York street fairs now, and the ones in my neighborhood seem to have a much higher concentration of random crap than in other parts of the city. Most street fairs seem to have an ethnic theme or be focused on kids… our street fair is more like a giant yard sale.

Oh, and Roger Clemens is pitching for the Yankees. I don’t hate the guy, though I’ll admit he could be described as a jerk with an overinflated ego. But it seems to me like he would have to do way more than he’s done so far to counteract the fact that he’s probably still the greatest active pitcher.

Or whatever they’re called. Since New York is such a Catholic city, I’ve decided to participate in this whole Lent thing for the first year ever. I mean… why should the Catholics have all the fun?

Since I’ve never done this before, my first vow was to give up my Catholicism for forty days. I figured that would be something easy to start out my first Lent—I probably wouldn’t have to repent or anything like that.

I don’t exactly know the rules, but I don’t think you can take back a vow. Which sucks, because an article on the New Scientist blog inspired me to pick an every more relevant vice to give up, namely stupid Internet videos. I’ve actually been doing pretty well—I had my first temptation from Satan today in the form of a video of a guy getting kicked in the face. But I persevered and didn’t watch the video and get +1 Holy or whatever.

So to clarify, a stupid Internet video includes anything on YouTube (including, sadly, my new favorite show, Infinite Solutions). Stupid Internet videos do not include Ze Frank. Stupid Internet videos do include anything on CNN.

Give me strength O Lord baby Jesus…

It’s so cold outside my little desktop application has to use its full montage of weather icons for this week.

24 degrees with a 13 degree wind chill, and we still can’t get more than two inches of snow? Weather, I’ve done gone given up on you.

Nice application [OS X], by the way, as it’s the only one I’ve found that is: 1) Reliable, and 2) Fast.

“Jerry Orbach gave his heart and soul to acting, and the gift of sight to two New Yorkers. Jerry Orbach was a gifted actor and his greatest role was that of an eye donor. Jerry decided to donate his eyes. When he passed away, he left behind the beautiful gift of sight. It only takes a minute to sign up to be an eye donor. Do it today.”

New York really cherishes its dead celebrities, especially Jerry Orbach. You would think he not only played a New York detective on TV, but also a mayor, firefighter, school teacher, and maybe even a patron saint.

So I guess it was no surprise when these posthumous ads came out reminding New Yorkers that, like you, Jerry Orbach had eyes, and unlike you, he’s put them to good use.

What’s disturbing about the barrage of ads isn’t Jerry’s accusatory smirk berating my egoism, or even the adjacent photo of him reminding me that his eyes did not go to the grave. It’s the fact that not one, but two New Yorkers now have the gift of sight. It isn’t necessarily the case, but what this suggests to me is that the The Eye Bank of New York chooses to dole out eyes based on greatest utility—why give one person binocular vision when you can give two people monocular vision.

I wonder if I can choose what system of ethics I donate my eyes under. Can I chose to donate them to the Philosopher Kings?

I love to hate tourists. Yesterday I was taking the AirTrain to JFK to get on a flight to Portland, which by the way is biggest crock of mass transit ever. It costs ten dollars round trip to take a robotic tram half a mile, and there’s no other way to get to JFK. That’s almost as bad as the Seattle monorail.

Anywho, I was getting off the subway when I saw a tourist going in the opposite direction. She had piece of rolling luggage and needed to get on the subway. Instead of using the four foot wide service entry (which I’ll admit took me three tries to figure out how to use it, and I’ll still not really sure how it works), she rolled her suitcase right through the turnstile. Just as she got through, her luggage got stuck in the narrow gate and thudded to the ground.

The best part was her reaction as she turned around and saw her bag wedged tightly behind her. She shouted at the turnstile, “This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen!” Five minutes into her trip, and she’s getting pissed at an inanimate object.

This is a person who is not going to have a good time in New York.